I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
