it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
