I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize