i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
