I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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