You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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