wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
