we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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