he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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