i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just made my gag reflex go away.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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