Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
