I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize