so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
