i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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