If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
