Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize