Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
