maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You are the jesus of drinking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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