dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
