I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
