So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You were trust falling into bushes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
