The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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