My sheets look like a crime scene.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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