1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
