I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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