my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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