Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
