the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
