Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
