There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
