I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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