you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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