ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize