According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
