she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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