i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
