Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
