so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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