i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
