Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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