New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just found puke in my bra..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
