Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
