so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
