Got a toothbrush?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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