She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My cat gives me a boner
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
