My nipple is on Facebook.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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