mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
