My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he thought i was a dude.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
