i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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