Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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