I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
