Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
what day is it and did you see me today?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
