yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
