from now on my penis is your penis
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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