Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
