He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
