"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
