I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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