Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I could fuck to npr.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
