You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
