My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
