I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize