Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
