tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Girls should come with a carfax report
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize